Did we learn nothing from history?
when McGonagall finds out that Ginny is pregnant, and that the Weasley and Potter bloodlines will converge, she marks on her calender the day the child will turn 11 and that is the day she retires
|DC:||Wonder Woman is too difficult to find a movie audience for-|
|Marvel:||YO YOU LIKE BLACK WIDOW? HERE SHE IS IN THE NEXT CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIE WITH A TON OF SCREENTIME AND MAJOR ASSKICKING SKILLS|
|DC:||We can't allow the lesbians in Batwoman to get married in the comic, sorry.|
|Marvel:||HEY GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA FEATURE A GAY WEDDING ON THE COVER OF AN X-MEN ISSUE|
|DC:||The new direction for storytelling needs to be dark, gritty, mature and cynical.|
|Marvel:||DUDE CHECK IT OUT LOKI GOES SPEED DATING IS THAT NOT THE BEST SHIT EVER|
|DC:||After years of rumors, the Superman/Batman movie is finally coming, but with a new actor and suit for Batman and MAYBE a cameo from Wonder Woman.|
|Marvel:||PHASE 2 MOTHERFUCKERS EVERYONE IS IN EVERYONE'S MOVIE AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPIN US NOW|
|DC:||We can try to add maybe one or two 'people of color' to our lineup...maybe...|
|Marvel:||NEW MS MARVEL THAT'S MUSLIM AMERICAN, BITCHES.|
|DC:||We feel no problem with Batman's vengeful personality being like wet cardboard.|
|Marvel:||NEW LATINA GHOST RIDER WHO SEEKS VENGEANCE WHILE TAKING HIS AWEET LIL BRO FOR ICE CREAM|
|DC:||We can't mention any superhero titles in our movies, that's ridiculous.|
|Marvel:||FUCK YEAH YOU WANT A RACOON VOICED BY BRADLEY COOPER WITH A GIANT GUN? YOU WANT VIN DIESEL PLAYING A TREE? AMY FUCKING POND PLAYING A SEXY BALD SPACE PIRATE? HERE YOU FUCKERS GO|
|DC:||Our fanbase is mostly white males, I'm sure our focus is-|
|Marvel:||NEW SHE HULK LINE WHERE SHE GOES TO COURT THEN SAVES NEW YORK|
|Marvel:||NEW FEMALE THOR|
|Marvel:||NEW BLACK CAPTAIN AMERICA|
|Marvel:||TAKE ALL THIS COOL SHIT MARVEL BE OUTIE|
can we please just take a moment to close our eyes and imagine how insanely hilarious and refreshing a public debate between tony stark and romney would be
On gay marriage:
“No, you don’t understand, Mittens, of course I recognize gay marriage and complete equal benefits for my employees; I trust them with the best technology and equipment and explosives in the country. As long as they don’t blow up my facilities, I’ll do whatever’s necessary to keep them happy and healthy. Explosives, Mittens.”
On reproductive rights:
“Just for a second, close your eyes, and imagine that the Black Widow is your co-worker. And also lives two floors down from you, so she knows where you sleep. She once incapacitated me- for my own health, of course, but that’s irrelevant- she can do any job a man can do, better, without breaking a sweat, and she learned ‘enhanced interrogation’ from the KGB. Do you want to tell her what she can or cannot do with her own body? I thought not. Okay, moving on.”
“Who remembers that stock crash when I first came out as Iron Man and said I wasn’t making weapons anymore?” *uncomfortable snickers from audience*
“No, go ahead, laugh. Everyone thought I was crazy. Pepper thought I was crazy, and I owe her a pony for putting up with me all these years. Oh, shoot, national TV, now I have to give her one, don’t I? Anyway, they thought I was crazy, because I was shutting down the biggest branch of SI, where most of our manufacturing and research went. Investors didn’t have hope. But you know what? We took those brilliant people, got some fresh ideas, remodeled some factories, and not one employee got laid off that year. Because if you people work hard, and work together, and you work in a fair environment where every crazy, brilliant idea has a chance to flourish, then you can take half a company and grow it to bigger than it was before.
And that’s what we need to do with jobs in this country. These unemployment statistics? Suck. So let me give you some numbers about how I plan to fix that, so we can get this country working again. Here’s the plan: and then he goes and gives statistics, and Romney makes a fish face, because Pepper Gave Him Notecards And He Actually Followed Them. Well, for this part of the speech.
I am Iron Man, in case you don’t watch the news. Also, we have a Hulk. Just putting that out there. Considering the events of the last few years, I think other countries will think twice about pissing off President Stark.
On green energy: Stark is pretty much still the only name in green energy, and all our new facilities are LEED Gold certified. We’re still working on upgrades to some of the oldest buildings, but they’re well on their way. You know how hard it is to get building permits in California? So yeah, I support the efforts we make in this country to live more sustainably. Because I love this country, and I’d like to save it for the long run. It’s kind of what I do. Because it’s awfully hard to Avenge against pollution.
And in case they get into a dick size contest over who loves America more…
“I’m in a monogamous relationship with freedom”
i’m crY I CAN NO LONGER HANDLE THIS WORLD
omg help me I’ve fallen down laughing and crying and can’t find the will to get up
Okay, everyone go home. Tony Stark and this post just won the Internet.
#Tony would win #then get really tired of the job #and he’d just make Pepper run the country for him
#And Pepper would most probably run it 9000-120000000x better than any man
#Why not get Pepper to run then. #She can bring the snark #And the efficiency #And she can run the country while he flies around in his tin suit
|Handler:||You have all the plans, you have the timeline.|
|Agent:||Yep. Got it all covered.|
|Handler:||Shall we go over the extraction plan?|
|Agent:||Nah, I won't have time for the dentist anyway this week.|
Isn’t that just nice?